It wasn't as though you were changing jobs, but everything else was OK......or, broke up with a boyfriend, but everything else remained in tact. This was pull one thread, unravel everything. Leaving our church, leaving Lubbock was not merely a change in location...........It meant, we were literally leaving our church, leaving our job..........we were starting over ministry wise, we were leaving family, we watched as our friends left and moved away, we prepared to move away from those who remained, our circle of friends changed, our kids circle of friends changed, our kids moved away from grandparents, we left our house, we left lifelong connections. And that's just the physical, personal connections! It was the same spiritually, emotionally.
Broken trust in one area, was broken promises in another. Confusion about your job, was confusion about your life. Disappointment in people, was disappointment in God, disappointment in yourself.
There was nothing that wasn't turned upside down. It was all connected, and it was all falling apart, or so it seemed.
I know some of you can relate either through divorce or death, the end of a season or relationship........meant the end of other relationships, meant a change in house, change in finance, change in habits, change in comforts......all of those things tethered to the others and all of them crumbling around you.
This is the picture I see, I am walking through a cathedral, perhaps a cathedral I have built, somewhere pristine and ordered.......somewhere sacred. And, as I wonder through, admiring its beauty, its completion.......I start to feel it tremble around me. I can't see why, I can't tell what direction it's coming from, but somehow I know, this ground beneath my feet is no longer still, but shaking. Like a blur, whirring past me, a wrecking ball- loudly and irreverently begins knocking my sanctuary down, stone by stone. Without remorse or consideration, it does its job and it does it quickly. And soon, all of it, every corner, every wall, every perfect thing is reduced to rubble around me. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I must work quickly, I must start gathering my precious stones- I don't want even one to be misplaced or forgotten. How do I begin to put them back together? Do I organize them by importance, do I start with one area and move on after it's fixed? I need a list, I'll make a list of what I should do, maybe putting something on paper.......drawing a plan......will help me know how to put this back together. IT IS GOING BACK TOGETHER, ISN'T IT LORD?
In the few moments it takes me to decide, I realize there is activity around me. Praise, God, someone is here to help me resurrect this thing! But, as I watch them, and I notice how they watch me.....it doesn't seem right. We aren't speaking the same language, we are not looking at the same plans. My ruins are not their concern. They are not here to help me repair my beloved foundation, they are simply waiting on me to move out of their way. What choice do I have.......but to gather my rocks, my sacred stones- now someone else's dust and debris. I hug them to my body, hold them to my heart and weep over them, over what they were to me, over what they were supposed to be. I weep because I have no plan for what to do next, I weep because I didn't dream I needed one.
Isn't this what we do, friends? We build these structures, sacred structures in our lives, of what it is supposed to be. We have plans for our education, plans for marriage and when we will have children. We make plans for our relationships, our jobs, our lives......every bit of it weighed against what we desire for ourselves and what we believe God desires for us. And then, we set about building it, stone by stone. And each one, each milestone or cornerstone, as it were, so important and so necessary to us. It's easy to see how devastating it would be to watch it destroyed. But, the devastation is not only in it's destruction, the devastation is in the realization that this, was in fact, always God's plan. It was His plan all along. And that perhaps, somewhere in your building phase, He was urging you to slow down and consult Him-trying to caution you about your pace or maybe your priorities- knowing that if need be, He would tear it all down........to show you what plans He's working off of. And there my friends, is your crossroad. This is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Do you stay there, amidst your ruins, remembering what once was, longing for it to be restored? Or, do you simply realize your helpless state, loose your once sacred things, say "Yes, Lord" and walk away?
And, this is where I found myself, during Wreckage, but there was even more to come. What I learned after such a painful sojourn, after dreams, after car wrecks, in the Wilderness- would be my most difficult lesson yet.
But first, a Gateway.
To recap- That Saturday night in Dallas, I emailed Autumn's sources, the Professor and Terese Holloway, whom I would later find out, is the Poet. In both emails, I recounted my third dream and everything that had preceded them, and finally the days events......which by the way, I was two finger typing into an iPhone! It's a wonder I didn't get "withered hand" from those emails. I'll spend more on that later.
Anyhow, as I said, we went to Gateway, heard the Wilderness message.........and then turned into lunatics........Maybe not quite lunatics, but we did go a little crazy.......in their bookstore. I had brought a cash reserve to Dallas...........for purses and junk jewelry, and within about three minutes, had spent every dollar. Mom and I bought every book, CD, sermon series, devotional, DVD, whatever......that seemed relevant to us. I don't know if you know this or not, but there is a whole 'nother world of authors and teachers out there, whose books aren't on Lifeway shelves. Shocking, I know. It was so exciting to just read the titles, they had words like "battlefield," "power," and "Holy Spirit" in them. Now, I am being a bit tongue and cheek here. But, it really was an answer to prayer. For months, I had been reading, listening, studying everything I could get my hands on, and still felt like there was more I didn't have access to. I had been praying for answers, for wisdom........and God, literally picked me up and dropped me into a place that was a storehouse for both. I know the lady at the counter, thought we must have just fallen off of some country truck. We were giddy, asking for other titles and extra copies of such and such. Keep in mind, it was an exciting day for us and a normal Sunday after service for them, and we were literally walking out with 4 bags each, of loot. Pleased as punch.
We were so excited, because that night they would be having their monthly Habitation service, a service set aside for just praise and worship, prayer and exhortation. And, you bet we were going to be there. I had no idea what to expect, but some dear friends of ours had been telling us about this service for months. They had been tuning in over the world wide web and just being blessed beyond measure, even from their home in Lubbock. It started at 6:30, but there was a prayer time that began at 5:30........for serious people. We got there at 5:15, perhaps a tad eager.
http://gatewaypeople.com/ministries/habitation/about
I still remember, Mom and I, sitting there waiting for it to start. My spirit was completely expectant, it was like the few minutes before a big game, that you knew you would win. And, as the service began, we knew that what God had been urging us toward, dragging us to.......all the questions He had hidden in our hearts.........He was now showing us the answers, showing us what the authority, the prayer life we had been chasing, looked like.
The service was opened in prayer, and then there were two microphones at the front with men holding them. Steve Dulin, who began these services at Gateway, called for those who have a "word" to come forward. Soon a handful of people trickled toward the mics, Bibles in hand. They lined up, single file, waiting their turn to give their word. I was speechless, in total amazement, I couldn't even begin to guess what they would say or how they would say it. How do you know what's going to happen? What if it's inappropriate or ridiculous? How do you trust these people to do this? I sat on the edge of my seat, as the first one began to speak. It was an older woman, she said "The Lord is calling us to walk in freedom and not fear, to trust His word and His promises for us." And then she read a few verses out of her Bible, gave a short prayer and walked away. Done. There was nothing selfish or self-serving about it, it wasn't attention seeking or shocking. It was simply, Scripture. God's Word, delivered and declared over the body. Each one that followed was the same. There was no personal testimony, no awkward moments when someone reveals too much. They read a scripture, that the Lord had placed in their heart, they prayed that same scripture and sat down.
It was the most energizing and exciting thing I had ever seen, this is how you edify the body. Every "word" brought forth was powerful, meaningful and relevant to at least me, if not the whole group. There wasn't a phony, over-generalized, obligatory message tossed out there. It was God's Word and it never returns void. They hadn't been handed little slips, it wasn't contrived, it was just what they felt like the Holy Spirit had impressed on them throughout the week, as they prayed, in advance, over this time. As the service went on, I could now see that these people were part of the ministry team, worship team, etc......leaders in some way. They began to take their places on stage or with prayer groups as more people came in.
-A Sidenote- Anyone of us would be equipped to do this, the Holy Spirit speaks to all of us, who are saved.....convicting and encouraging us towards His image. And, maybe you share about those things with your Bible study group or family, maybe your spouse. What was so different about this, was that it was organized, thoughtful, done for the benefit of the entire body, it was unrehearsed and Spirit-led, and yet still operating in some unspoken parameters. It was one of the first times I thought.......yeah, that's how you do that, that's how you practice discernment and teach about the Holy Spirit corporately. It was the first time, I ever understood what the spiritual gift of prophecy might look like in a church. This is how you use your gifts to edify the body. Here is why it did that- every word that was given, though it was personal and picked to share, by the giver, was not personal. It was never "I think we should such and such, or I believe yada yada yada....." It was "God's Word says..........God help us to do as your word says......." But, here is the amazing part, every time a word was given (because it was God's word) it spoke to the Spirit of someone sitting in the congregation, it spoke confirmation, encouragement or even accountability to some unknown person, thus growing their faith and understanding. Conversely, every person who shared could then, based on the feedback given, feel their own confirmation......... that their obedience was well placed, that their risk in sharing had "paid off" spiritually speaking, of course. They had prayed that the Holy Spirit would give them a burden, a "word" to share, they could trust God for His wisdom, they could share it with His people and it did in fact, edify the body. WHICH IS THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULD DO ANY OF THIS.......TO EDIFY THE BODY. It's not to seem smarter, superior, more spiritual or to exalt your own wisdom, before men. And, if it was, rest assured that "word" would bring destruction, confusion and division. Some of you have heard, that "word" before. I have.
You know it when you hear it, it troubles your spirit, it makes you restless and agitated and not in a "challenging your flesh" kind of way. We have all heard someone share something, and while they may use the right words, the right lingo......something about it is offensive to your spirit. Offensive in the spiritual realm, but perhaps not in the natural. The words of men, though grammatically correct, delivered well and with precision timing, are capable of not only falling flat on the floor at their feet, but being dangerous, when they are not given through the filter of the Holy Spirit. Make no mistake, we have nothing important or brilliant to say, no original thought or revelation apart, from the Holy Spirit. And, when we try to minister wisdom to others, from our flesh, we make fools of everyone, but mostly ourselves.
But, I digress.
Over the last several months, I kept hearing the word "Prophetic." I thought this was a reference to exactly that.....the prophets, in the Old Testament. But, it was everywhere, in what God was showing me in His Word, what I was hearing and studying........and I didn't understand it. No one, that I had ever heard in my churches or religion classes, ever addressed prophetic gifts. Which is not to say, we weren't well versed in spiritual gifts. It's been the "new" old thing for a while now.......do your gifts survey, find out where to serve........I guess I always just thought, it was another word for teaching and was almost redundant. My spiritual gifts are prophetic and teaching........so the next question, was always "Great! Where do you want to teach?" I honestly didn't see any need to differentiate between the two. Until, I was confronted with my ignorance and forced to start asking questions. And, believe me, I had questions........lots of questions. And, now right before my eyes, I was seeing the answers.
Gateway has ministry teams based on your spiritual gifts, you are identified, trained, educated, tested and then you start ministering through these gifts. It seems so simple, but was revolutionary to me. This is where I feel like we've dropped the ball as a church, we are living in a world where it is no longer good enough to know your gifts, but not use them. God has given us weapons- the fruits of the Spirit, the gifts of the Spirit, His Word, the authority of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, dwelling within us. When we use them and understand them, we become formidable forces- soldiers- taking back ground on earth and in heaven. But, we are not the mighty forces we could be, if we are only using the weapons we are most comfortable with.
When I began asking questions about what this means for the church today, I was met with responses like........."it's not necessary anymore, or it was only in the early church or Old Testament." Really? It's in the New Testament, Paul addresses it quite a bit actually, it's in the same list as the gift of "giving." I'd like to meet the pastor who's going to tell the "givers" in his church, that their spiritual gift isn't necessary or relevant anymore.
These are the latter days, friends. And, we need to be walking in the full authority and power, we receive as heirs, of Christ. We need it for our marriages, our jobs, our children......the salvation and faith of my children is more important than my traditions. And, I will gladly lay those traditions down to empty my hands and heart............ leaving them ready and open for the entirety of God's Word, alone. We do not have time to ignore the things, we have decided in our finite wisdom, are taboo......especially, if God, in His INFINITE wisdom, thought they were important enough to include (many times) in His word, given to man.
As Mom and I sat in the Habitation service at Gateway, the Holy Spirit was speaking to me and convicting me in such an intense way, that I honestly felt like someone may call my name and walk over to me with a mic. I felt like I was sitting under a white, hot light and all eyes were on me, which of course, wasn't the case, but that's what it feels like when the Holy Spirit is showing you something, that is just for you. I know Mom would agree, that there might as well have been red arrows pointing down at us and a booming voice yelling,
"DO YOU SEE THIS LADIES?!?!?! ARE YOU GETTING WHAT I AM SHOWING YOU?!?!?!?! THIS IS FOR YOU, THIS IS WHY YOU ARE IN DALLAS, THIS IS WHY THE WILDERNESS, THIS IS WHY THE WRECKAGE.....TO GET YOU HERE AND SHOW YOU THAT THERE IS MORE!! MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!!!"
Mom and I laughed about it a little, because we were trying to think of how we would explain two Southern Baptist pastor's wives, sitting in someone else's church (a Non-denomination church!!) on a Sunday night, having our whole world rocked. And, really, there is no explanation.........no explanation, but God.
You can click on the link above and watch the Habitation Service, there is one tonight at 5:15.
Shalom Y'all
Sara
