I have told this story so far through houses, it has given me parameters to edit out parts that are unrelated and allowed me to spend considerable time on things, that seemed less significant when they occurred. But, I could tell this same story and tell it only through the passages of the Scripture that the Lord led us to this year or through the different and new people that God used to encourage and challenge us. Yes, friends, I could recount this exact story but tell it only through the theme of weather, strangely the weather, the endless drought and need for rain over the last year, parallels this story. But, the next most precious way I would tell it would be through songs, the songs that have ministered to me at different times of my life and for different reasons would tell a powerful tale.
I was listening to one such song today, "I Lift My Hands," from Chris Tomlin. "As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, You are faithful God forever." It carries an entirely new meaning today, than it did before. I was pouring out very different things a few months ago and clinging to the belief that was God faithful, though I couldn't see how. I was lifting my hands weakly in surrender and now they are raised in praise. Only God.
Even in December, when our world came crashing down, we didn't actually consider we would be leaving our new home. In fact, it wasn't until July that I began to understand what God may be leading us to and someday I will tell you that story, it will be called "Wreckage."
If we had known, we would only be there a year, we would have done things quite differently. We would have built a house for resale, and as you can see, we did the exact opposite. Our home had our personality written all over it. Sweet Andy, who let me recreate exactly what I envisioned only had a few wants. It was so simple really. Andy objected to so little I wanted to do, for heaven's sake he let me take square feet from the living area to make a laundry room we could have lived in! When it came to the few things he really wanted, I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he got each and every one.Our house was custom, and custom to us meant raising every bless-ed cabinet, shelf and clothes rod to accommodate Andy. This was the first time Andy's shirts and pants didn't drag the ground, his shoes fit on the shelves and the shower didn't rain down at chest high. The shower was taller, the vanities taller and the doors...you guessed it, taller. This was a luxury for him, indeed. The contractor thought I was crazy when I gave my dimensions and flatly refused some things, until he saw Andy......and then he kindly walked us through the house making sure everything was the right height. And we loved it, Andy loved it.
The thought of moving and leaving Lubbock was something that it took months to even consider and even more months to realize may actually happen. The Lord does that on purpose, I think. He let us see manageable, digestible portions of His will, so we were not paralyzed or overwhelmed. He lead us gently and kindly toward His purpose, as a Good Shepherd does, and with each step patiently waited, until we were ready for Him to reveal more.
I told you earlier about when I realized what an extravagant gift our home was........ I wish I could tell you it was after deep prayer or meditation, but it wasn't. It was in the bathroom, the custom bathroom, as I sat in the tub. It was July, and I was beginning to understand that though we had prayed and believed for restoration, God was answering us in a different way. It had been washing over us for a few days and wasn't quite so raw anymore and I was sitting in the tub, looking at the tile. I was thinking how no one could possibly appreciate the trips made back and forth, the time spent putting those together, so it would be just so, for my man. No one would ever appreciate the time and love that went into every detail. And, then I thought to myself, how ironic it was that we never actually owned the house.
Did you catch that? Don't miss it, I was thinking how strange and funny that though it was indeed, our house- we built it and lived in it, after all.........we never owned it. Let me explain. The house, did in fact go over budget and past the completion date. Quite a bit, as it turned out. Most of that we paid out of pocket along the way, but as we approached closing in November, we wanted to roll closing costs into our loan. We were working with a local bank, with whom we had a good relationship, and they suggested keeping our interim construction loan until it matured just 3 months later, and then roll everything in. So that's what we did, we kept our interim construction loan until it reached a full year and then set a closing date. In the meantime, we paid only the interest.
Evidently, working with mortgages takes its toll on people. When March came around, our loan was being handled by it's third account manager. We set a date for closing, but closing never came. In the shuffling of people and papers, some of our file was missing. They were very apologetic and asked if we wouldn't mind extending our interim loan 3 months until a supervisor could go over it. And, on we march.....to June. In June, the bank president called and had heard we might be moving. He was very concerned for us and pointed out that we could be facing 2 closings, one to buy and one to sell. Selling after 1 year and having 2 closings, in this market, would destroy us financially. He prayed for us, gave us another extension and told us to let him know how else they could help. I had never met this man, but he knew my daddy. * See earlier notes on why living in Lubbock, Tx and being the daughter of my earthly father, is only a blessing.
Back to the tub....
I have such a limited understanding of the things of God, it's embarrassing. But, I have a healthy enough fear and reverence for who He is, that I did not dare tell Him it was unfair. I have understood, for quite sometime, that I walk under an undeserved canopy of His grace and mercy, He is both shade and shelter. So, I will not shake my fist at Him, like an insolent child. I will not. But, I did confess, with my lips and tears, my broken heart, my grief over the house and all that leaving it meant. And, I think that's Ok, I believe He honors that pain. He knows when His children are wounded and He deals with us so tenderly when we tell Him how bad it hurts and ask for His comfort.
"Lord, I trust you but I don't understand. Help me understand."
As I was getting out, and now thinking and praying over these things, the reality that we may be leaving, the irony that we had built a home that was exactly as we wanted only to leave, not ever having owned the silly thing...."Lord, How does that happen? Why would you let us have it if we can't keep it? How could it have been "so us" and yet never really ours?" His response made me stand very still and hold my breath.
IT WAS NEVER YOURS TO KEEP. "Lord?" IT WAS NEVER YOURS TO KEEP. "How can that be, Lord? What was it then?" BORROWED. "Borrowed? Why let us do all this, for a house that was borrowed?" BECAUSE IT DELIGHTED YOU. "You let me design every inch, pick every single thing for a RENT house?" THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I COULD HAVE LEFT YOU IN YOUR LITTLE HOUSE ON 23RD, BUT I KNEW THE STEPS OF FAITH I WOULD ASK YOU TO TAKE THIS YEAR AND I WANTED YOU TO BE IN MY HOUSE, WHEN I ASKED.
It came over me like a flood and I understood it all and it all overwhelmed me. We started building this house 9 months before we ever moved in and had a few months of planning, before we ever started. The Lord knew even then and began making preparations for us. None of this was careless or haphazard. The Lord knew this season was coming long before I ever did and orchestrated all of these things so that when it came, we would be in THE HOUSE, My Father prepared for us. He just let me decorate it.
As I stood there, in the bathroom, looking into our bedroom, He brought to mind the floor in front of me. I was looking at the carpet where twice before I had laid on my face before Him. I would love to tell you that I am such a prayer warrior and so deep, that I often pray laying on the ground. I have done some kneeling, lots of standing, lots of sitting....but only three times in my life have I gotten on my face in prayer. Once, 2 years earlier, in the house on 23rd, I was faced with losing my life and leaving my precious husband and babies with no mama. I cried out to God for wisdom and the strength to trust Him. I remember having to move furniture to make room and vacuum before I lay down.
The second time, was in the new house, in February. I laid down in that spot and cried out to God for His intervention and restoration. The third time, was a couple days earlier when I realized we were being called to leave. I cried out to God for wisdom and the strength to trust Him. I felt the Holy spirit showing me, "SEE, I KNEW WHAT YOU NEEDED." Now, I didn't "need" new carpet so I would put my face on it, but that's what makes it so extravagant. I didn't need any of it, but He did it just for me, just because.
He reminded me that THE HOUSE, He prepared, was prepared for the many Godly men and women, who would come to meet us, the pastors from our city and around the state who came offering encouragement, counsel and prayer. In THE HOUSE, I could be gracious and hospitable. It was prepared for our family, friends and fellow staff, who could come to relax and fellowship. It was prepared with a place in the kitchen, where I could spread out my Bible and books and seek Him, in the morning. It was the perfect spot for me, because He let me measure and remeasure it a hundred times.
If God would have let us build our dream home and that was the end of the story, it would have been enough. But, the fact that He let us build our dream home, purely to delight us and make the 1 year we rented it at half price, more enjoyable and comfortable.....to meet the unique needs we had last year, to allow a season of teaching and testing to be done in such a beautiful home? I told you THE HOUSE, was a gift so extravagant, and by definition it was. Extravagant means: Exceeding the limits of reason or necessity. Lacking in moderation, balance, and restraint. And, isn't He?
"Lord, I trust you but I don't understand. Help me understand."
As I was getting out, and now thinking and praying over these things, the reality that we may be leaving, the irony that we had built a home that was exactly as we wanted only to leave, not ever having owned the silly thing...."Lord, How does that happen? Why would you let us have it if we can't keep it? How could it have been "so us" and yet never really ours?" His response made me stand very still and hold my breath.
IT WAS NEVER YOURS TO KEEP. "Lord?" IT WAS NEVER YOURS TO KEEP. "How can that be, Lord? What was it then?" BORROWED. "Borrowed? Why let us do all this, for a house that was borrowed?" BECAUSE IT DELIGHTED YOU. "You let me design every inch, pick every single thing for a RENT house?" THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I COULD HAVE LEFT YOU IN YOUR LITTLE HOUSE ON 23RD, BUT I KNEW THE STEPS OF FAITH I WOULD ASK YOU TO TAKE THIS YEAR AND I WANTED YOU TO BE IN MY HOUSE, WHEN I ASKED.
It came over me like a flood and I understood it all and it all overwhelmed me. We started building this house 9 months before we ever moved in and had a few months of planning, before we ever started. The Lord knew even then and began making preparations for us. None of this was careless or haphazard. The Lord knew this season was coming long before I ever did and orchestrated all of these things so that when it came, we would be in THE HOUSE, My Father prepared for us. He just let me decorate it.
As I stood there, in the bathroom, looking into our bedroom, He brought to mind the floor in front of me. I was looking at the carpet where twice before I had laid on my face before Him. I would love to tell you that I am such a prayer warrior and so deep, that I often pray laying on the ground. I have done some kneeling, lots of standing, lots of sitting....but only three times in my life have I gotten on my face in prayer. Once, 2 years earlier, in the house on 23rd, I was faced with losing my life and leaving my precious husband and babies with no mama. I cried out to God for wisdom and the strength to trust Him. I remember having to move furniture to make room and vacuum before I lay down.
The second time, was in the new house, in February. I laid down in that spot and cried out to God for His intervention and restoration. The third time, was a couple days earlier when I realized we were being called to leave. I cried out to God for wisdom and the strength to trust Him. I felt the Holy spirit showing me, "SEE, I KNEW WHAT YOU NEEDED." Now, I didn't "need" new carpet so I would put my face on it, but that's what makes it so extravagant. I didn't need any of it, but He did it just for me, just because.
He reminded me that THE HOUSE, He prepared, was prepared for the many Godly men and women, who would come to meet us, the pastors from our city and around the state who came offering encouragement, counsel and prayer. In THE HOUSE, I could be gracious and hospitable. It was prepared for our family, friends and fellow staff, who could come to relax and fellowship. It was prepared with a place in the kitchen, where I could spread out my Bible and books and seek Him, in the morning. It was the perfect spot for me, because He let me measure and remeasure it a hundred times.
If God would have let us build our dream home and that was the end of the story, it would have been enough. But, the fact that He let us build our dream home, purely to delight us and make the 1 year we rented it at half price, more enjoyable and comfortable.....to meet the unique needs we had last year, to allow a season of teaching and testing to be done in such a beautiful home? I told you THE HOUSE, was a gift so extravagant, and by definition it was. Extravagant means: Exceeding the limits of reason or necessity. Lacking in moderation, balance, and restraint. And, isn't He?
That night I dried off, got dressed and got my cleaning stuff out. I began with the tile in the bathroom....and a toothbrush, and began getting it ready to sell. What a special priviledge, what an honor, to prepare this house for whom it was intended.
