For so many months, I felt like no one could possibly understand what I, what we, were going through, the depths at which we were shaken to. I remember, on several occasions, myself and others being asked completely nonchalantly, "So, you're not over this yet? You seem down, have you not moved on yet? Seriously, you're still upset about all this?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I didn't just have my favorite show canceled or find out my grocery store quit carrying my favorite cereal! This wasn't getting a bad hair cut or some sophomoric tiff with a girlfriend. This was complete and total upheaval, this was having every concrete tenet of your life, crushed with a sledge hammer and watching a twisted, weak facade be erected in its place, while you're still pitifully gathering rocks, as though they will ever go back together.
And, unless you were going through this same thing, you wouldn't have understood either........for 2 reasons, one- I wouldn't have really discussed it with you, and two-Even if I had, I didn't have the words or language to adequately describe it. At least, not before Dallas. You see, this wasn't "feeling down" or "blue," not a "funk." What describes total darkness? What word is big enough for a season where everything you believe about what you are doing with your life, what you believe about other people, what you thought your purpose was, what you thought your future was............what you thought about truth, your passions, and God's desires for you..........what word describes when all of that is revealed to be entirely wrong? What word describes when all of this is proven to be a lie, that not only you believed, but you perpetuated..........you put your name and reputation on something and called it good and then encouraged others to do the same. You saw others go through the same revelations, except that as you watched them, you were oblivious that your turn was right around the corner. There is no word for that, no one word, anyway. Total devastation? I remember using that word for a while, when someone would ask how everything was, hoping you would say "just fine." HOW'S IT GOING?.............It's total devastation! It's total devastation, because I don't know why this is happening, or how to stop it. Because, I felt like I had fairly good discernment and never saw this coming.........and those around me did. Devastating, because when I really look back, I should have too. It's total devastation, because I am watching something I loved, and was proud of, be burned to the ground, and all I can do is throw dixie cups of water on it.......while you ask me, why I'm so upset.
I know many of you relate to this, you've told me so. Your setting or scenario may be different, but you have had your life turned upside down. Whether, it was divorce, job loss, illness, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship or even the loss of a dream. You could plug in a thousand different story lines and all would have the same pain, the same heartache and ultimately the same answer......Jesus. JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!
Devastation, while it broadly describes what it felt like, is still grossly inadequate and as it turned out, grossly inaccurate. Devastation seems like something that was an accident, or something that was inflicted on you. It gives no allusion to instruction, purpose or context. Devastation literally means: To bring to ruin or desolation by violent action. To reduce to chaos, disorder, helplessness.
And, while that's a fairly accurate description and I thought it was the most fitting one, I was wrong. Please hear me say that, I WAS WRONG. I don't bear my soul so you know how smart I am, I tell you these things, these treasured things, so you see how good God is........how He can redeem the impossible, how He is everything we lack, how He pursues every dark corner of our heart and mind to bring His glorious Light to them.
8We
do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we
suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far
beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.
9Indeed,
in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we
might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
10He
has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On
him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,
11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on oura behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11
I was wrong, because I thought I was separated from God, from His will.....in a place the enemy had put me. What I found out, after Wreckage, after Dallas, was that I was somewhere the Lord had led me, in a place He had prepared for me and most importantly, He was there with me.
There's nothing arbitrary about the wilderness. The wilderness is not where we are lost but where we are found, where we are refined and where we are prepared for the land of our Promise.
But, I didn't know this on my own. I had to be told by wiser people, I begged God to show me where He was and what He was doing. He must have understood I was missing the subtleties because His response was, a pit, a dream, a car wreck, a Gateway and a counselor......uhhhh.....Yes, Lord. Got it. Even I didn't miss it that time!
I told you after the wreck, I felt compelled to really get a handle on what was happening. I made several calls, to some of my spiritual mentors and friends, one of which was Autumn. Why Autumn, you ask? You're very astute to ask. I remembered a conversation months ago, where Autumn mentioned a relative who was supremely qualified, a doctor of not just counseling, but religious counseling, someone who held more degrees than a thermometer, in the Bible, Greek, Hebrew and Spiritual Gifts. Now, I didn't know all of that at the time and I also didn't know that he was in Dallas, until after I was already in Dallas. That night, from the hotel, I emailed him.
The next morning we had already decided to go to church somewhere, but weren't quite sure where. There is always Prestonwood, and while it would have been great preaching and great music, we were looking for something more, I wanted to be somewhere where there was Power. Gateway Church, in Southlake, had come up several times over the last year. If you are not familiar with Gateway, it is a very large non-denominational church, with multiple campuses and pastors. They have become the ideal, in my book, for church structure and organization. They are rewriting every book on how a church teaches and equips its people and how they reach those around them. It's really quite remarkable. But, still I had never heard a message, didn't know their pastor.......everything I knew about this church was from a strictly ministerial perspective. Nonetheless, we felt like this was where we wanted to be on Sunday morning. And, so we were.
That morning, was the last in a four week series, on.......you guessed it.......the Wilderness. I had never heard that word applied in this way before, it was a completely powerful and pivotal moment in my journey. That service gave me what I lacked, and that, was context. Language and context, to understand what was happening.
I will tell you what I got out of the message, but truly, go and hear it for yourself at: www.gatewaypeople.com/sermons You can search several ways, Speaker: Preston Morrison, Date: July 9th, 2011, Title: You're not Stuck, You're Just Stopped.
Pastor Morrison, taught about Abram and Terah, the Israelites and the purpose of the Wilderness. This was the first time, embarrassing to admit, but the first time I saw this season as something that was not just intentional, but necessary, to God's will for my life. This, was the first time I understood that everything I was going through was not about what had already happened, but what was about to happen.
It's hard to make this thread through scripture because you wouldn't necessarily relate some of these stories, but Moses was LED to the Wilderness, the Israelites were LED to the Wilderness, David was LED to the Wilderness-fleeing from Saul, Jesus was LED to the Wilderness-to withstand the Devil, John the Baptist was LED to the Wilderness- to baptize in repentance and forgiveness and declare the Messiah, the Woman (church) of Revelations is LED to the Wilderness, a place prepared by God.
Then the woman fled into the wilderness where she had a place prepared by God, so that there she would be nourished for one thousand two hundred and sixty days. Revelation 12:6
All throughout Scripture, the Wilderness is a place of God's provision and preparation. It provided nourishment through Manna. It provided concealment and safety to a would-be King. It provided the arena for Christ's first victory over Satan! This isn't a place you wandered, friend, this is a place the Lord brought you!!!!
Even the Israelites, they weren't led to the Wilderness to get out of Egypt, they were led there to get Egypt out of them. This wasn't supposed to be a place they stayed, it was to be a place they passed through. They only stayed because of their disobedience.
Pastor Morrison said this, "The Wilderness is where the Lord leads you to kill your crutches. A crutch, is a Plan B, you turned into a Plan A, when you thought the Lord wouldn't show up." Oh, Lord! Read that again! Say it aloud! THE WILDERNESS IS WHERE THE LORD LEADS YOU TO KILL YOUR CRUTCHES. A CRUTCH, IS A PLAN B, YOU TURNED INTO A PLAN A, WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE LORD WOULDN'T SHOW UP.
The Israelites didn't go to the Promise Land, because they weren't ready. They had to be delivered, physically and spiritually, delivered from Egypt. You can change locations a thousand times, but until God sets your Spirit free, YOU ARE A SLAVE!!!!! In the Wilderness, He delivered them from idolatry, legalism, fear and disobedience. In the Wilderness, He made them ready for His Promises.
And, now I could see it so clearly........that's what He had done for me. He stripped me of every crutch, everything that made my flesh comfortable, to prepare me for the Promise Land.
Which, is great. Except, I was already in the Promised Land, wasn't I?
And, the walls begin to crumble.
Blessings,
Sara
