Throughout last year, especially early Spring and into Summer, I really began having a paradigm shift in my spirit. I was finally beginning to emerge from shell shock to see that whether we stayed in Lubbock had become entirely secondary, to what He was showing and teaching us about ourselves, about Him, about what He was really preparing us for. This had become something so much more. Often times, as adults we feel we've reached our fullness, so to speak. We start to feel comfortable that we've pretty much figured out the hard stuff and now it's a matter of practice it, until you die! But, Oh Friend! Not with God, not with God! If I could convey one thing to young people, it would be how exciting walking with Christ is. And, isn't it?! I walked in rebellion a fair number of years, and life was tasteless. But this? This road the Lord has led me down.......has been filled with the most amazing love story, to the most amazing man (twilight schmilight!) miracles, healing, action, suspense and laughter, oh such laughter.
But the most exciting part of all, is when He pulls you aside - maybe your life has been paused or maybe He's led you to the Wilderness- but He leans down and speaks to your spirit "Sara, you thought you knew it all, knew my limits? Hey darling, I'm about to show you just how Awesome, I am." And, then He does.
Mine and Autumn's friendship and journey together continued into the summer, but through a series of events in July I felt compelled to really start digging this thing out, and was actively seeking out and praying about who to get counsel from. But, I have to back up a tad for July to make sense. Typical, right? I don't have the writing skills to communicate without literary flashbacks, flash forwards, slide flashes........
I told you there were a few dreams and there were. It wasn't until later that I would be able to really appreciate their significance or connectedness, July in fact. If you ever been in serious spiritual turmoil, maybe you can relate to this.......I was almost never sleeping, or at least not sleeping well. After months and months without rest, it becomes your new normal and you figure out how you want to use your time. There were nights, when I just lay there, unable to control my thoughts or anxiety. But, there were other nights that were different. I couldn't sleep, but not because of stress, because the Holy Spirit would prompt me to pray about something, or write something down, I felt like He would give me a spiritual tap on the shoulder, "not tonight, no sleep right now. This is too important." I had gotten in the habit of keeping my Bible studies out and ready for me to return to them, I kept a journal and pen by my bed.
Usually, it was a summons to Scripture, a part I had missed or needed to be meditating on. But, one night it was quite different. I know it was sometime after we moved into our house, and I remember relating this story to the girls in Bible study I was teaching, maybe late fall? But at the time, I didn't really understand it.
One night, Andy and I again lay in bed sleepless and restless. It was after 2 when we finally turned the TV off and by 2:15 I was writing furiously. I know I wasn't asleep. I had laid down, it was dark and my eyes were closed, but I wasn't asleep. I had just started to talk myself into taking deep breathes to relax, when I saw brilliant light. It was the warmest, most radiant light and my grandmother was in it. My Father's mother, Nanny had died when I was in the fourth grade after suffering for years with emphysema. I know there must have been times when I saw her healthy, perhaps around 5 or 6, but even then was painfully thin and on oxygen quite a bit. I mostly remember her very sick. I had never before seen her, the way I was seeing her now.
She was neither strangely young or old. But, she radiated light and health. I remember just gasping out loud at how beautiful she was. Her hair was so shiny and her skin luminescent. I remember saying to her "Oh, Nanny you're so beautiful! You are so beautiful, this isn't from my memory. I've never seen you this way." She just smiled. A wave of sadness washed over me, and I told her "Daddy will be heartbroken that I am having this dream and not him, I know he has prayed to see you in his dreams for years. He misses you so badly."
For the first time she spoke, "I know, but this is how it has to be." I immediately wanted to tell her everything about her grandchildren, and great grandchildren, about my family and ministry. But, as soon as I had the thought, I also knew with such clarity and certainty.......... there was no need, she already knew. No more words were spoken, but I knew somehow that this was the most important part, the part I was supposed to take away. She already knew everything, didn't need to be caught up. We didn't need to spend anytime wishing she had seen anything. And just like that, it was over. And I was scribbling like a lunatic. I had never had a dream with such vivid color, such detail or understanding. It didn't make me upset, I wasn't confused by it. I understood it exactly, knew the part I was supposed to share and knew it was important that I share it.
The next morning I called my dad early. I told him he needed to come to the house, that I wanted to talk to him. In the same wilderness, my parents were having the same sleep issues, so by 8 he was front and center. I began to relate this dream to him. He grew very still and quiet, I could tell he was fighting tears. And, for the briefest moment I regretted telling my dad. He said very little and got up and left. I didn't try to stop him or have a conversation, I knew this had to break his heart just a little. Later that afternoon, I went to my parents house and waited for my dad to get in. When he did, I just hugged him and cried, "Dad, I'm so sorry, I know this should have been your dream, it would have been so comforting to you." He kind of just shook his head, and said "No, this was how it was supposed to be."
He began telling me that late the night before as he walked and prayed, like he did so often, he was just overcome with sadness and just missed his mom so bad. He told me how he just stopped for several minutes and just cried to the Lord, for his mother. He wanted so badly to share about his sisters, his kids and his ministry, to know that she knew how he was serving the Lord.
For several minutes, we just sat there stunned and crying. Dad and I totally understood, if he had been the one to have that dream, he would always wonder if it was just his subconscious or memories, floating to the surface. But, because I had it and was able to share with him the exact answers and comfort he was praying for, he knew, we knew without a doubt, it was all God. From the moment I opened my eyes, I knew somehow that dream was not for me. But, I was also fully aware, that God was using me to minister to someone else and required my obedience without interference, or commentary.
It was one of the first times in my life I knew that the Lord used me to bless and minister to someone, not that I haven't tried to be a blessing before......but this was totally apart from me, or my inclination, this wasn't my desire, my words, my idea. It was totally the Lord, using me. And it was so exciting and humbling all at the same time. It made me want to be able to be used by Him again, and again. It made me want to cast off everything that would disqualify me from getting to experience this again.
From that point on, I really began listening hard for the Lord, practicing being tuned to His Spirit, practicing being obedient with the things He trusted me with. But, it would be many months, before I would have my chance again.
More to come.
Shalom y'all,
Sara
1 comment:
thanks for that ;)
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