The Dreams in Between

   Throughout last year, especially early Spring and into Summer, I really began having a paradigm shift in my spirit. I was finally beginning to emerge from shell shock to see that whether we stayed in Lubbock had become entirely secondary, to what He was showing and teaching us about ourselves, about Him, about what He was really preparing us for. This had become something so much more. Often times, as adults we feel we've reached our fullness, so to speak. We start to feel comfortable that we've pretty much figured out the hard stuff and now it's a matter of practice it, until you die! But, Oh Friend! Not with God, not with God! If I could convey one thing to young people, it would be how exciting walking with Christ is. And, isn't it?! I walked in rebellion a fair number of years, and life was tasteless. But this? This road the Lord has led me down.......has been filled with the most amazing love story, to the most amazing man (twilight schmilight!) miracles, healing, action, suspense and laughter, oh such laughter.

   But the most exciting part of all, is when He pulls you aside - maybe your life has been paused or maybe He's led you to the Wilderness- but He leans down and speaks to your spirit "Sara, you thought you knew it all, knew my limits? Hey darling, I'm about to show you just how Awesome, I am."  And, then He does.

   Mine and Autumn's friendship and journey together continued into the summer, but through a series of events in July I felt compelled to really start digging this thing out, and was actively seeking out and praying about who to get counsel from. But, I have to back up a tad for July to make sense. Typical, right? I don't have the writing skills to communicate without literary flashbacks, flash forwards, slide flashes........

   I told you there were a few dreams and there were. It wasn't until later that I would be able to really appreciate their significance or connectedness, July in fact.   If you ever been in serious spiritual turmoil, maybe you can relate to this.......I was almost never sleeping, or at least not sleeping well. After months and months without rest, it becomes  your new normal and you figure out how you want to use your time. There were nights, when I just lay there, unable to control my thoughts or anxiety. But, there were other nights that were different. I couldn't sleep, but not because of stress, because the Holy Spirit would prompt me to pray about something, or write something down, I felt like He would give me a spiritual tap on the shoulder, "not tonight, no sleep right now. This is too important." I had gotten in the habit of keeping my Bible studies out and ready for me to return to them, I kept a journal and pen by my bed.

   Usually, it was a summons to Scripture, a part I had missed or needed to be meditating on. But, one night it was quite different. I know it was sometime after we moved into our house, and I remember relating this story to the girls in Bible study I was teaching, maybe late fall? But at the time, I didn't really understand it.
    One night, Andy and I again lay in bed sleepless and restless. It was after 2 when we finally turned the TV off and by 2:15 I was writing furiously. I know I wasn't asleep. I had laid down, it was dark and my eyes were closed, but I wasn't asleep. I had just started to talk myself into taking deep breathes to relax, when I saw brilliant light. It was the warmest, most radiant light and my grandmother was in it. My Father's mother, Nanny had died when I was in the fourth grade after suffering for years with emphysema. I know there must have been times when I saw her healthy, perhaps around 5 or 6, but even then was painfully thin and on oxygen quite a bit. I mostly remember her very sick. I had never before seen her, the way I was seeing her now.

   She was neither strangely young or old. But, she radiated light and health. I remember just gasping out loud at how beautiful she was. Her hair was so shiny and her skin luminescent. I remember saying to her "Oh, Nanny you're so beautiful! You are so beautiful, this isn't from my memory. I've never seen you this way." She just smiled. A wave of sadness washed over me, and I told her "Daddy will be heartbroken that I am having this dream and not him, I know he has prayed to see you in his dreams for years. He misses you so badly."
   For the first time she spoke, "I know, but this is how it has to be." I immediately wanted to tell her everything about her grandchildren, and great grandchildren, about my family and ministry. But, as soon as I had the thought, I also knew with such clarity and certainty.......... there was no need, she already knew.  No more words were spoken, but I knew somehow that this was the most important part, the part I was supposed to take away. She already knew everything, didn't need to be caught up. We didn't need to spend anytime wishing she had seen anything. And just like that, it was over. And I was scribbling like a lunatic.  I had never had a dream with such vivid color, such detail or understanding. It didn't make me upset, I wasn't confused by it. I understood it exactly, knew the part I was supposed to share and knew it was important that I share it.

   The next morning I called my dad early. I told him he needed to come to the house, that I wanted to talk to him. In the same wilderness, my parents were having the same sleep issues, so by 8 he was front and center. I began to relate this dream to him. He grew very still and quiet, I could tell he was fighting tears. And, for the briefest moment I regretted telling my dad. He said very little and got up and left. I didn't try to stop him or have a conversation, I knew this had to break his heart just a little.  Later that afternoon, I went to my parents house and waited for my dad to get in. When he did, I just hugged him and cried, "Dad, I'm so sorry, I know this should have been your dream, it would have been so comforting to you." He kind of just shook his head, and said "No, this was how it was supposed to be."

   He began telling me that  late the night before as he walked and prayed, like he did so often, he was just overcome with sadness and just missed his mom so bad. He told me how he just stopped for several minutes and just cried to the Lord, for his mother. He wanted so badly to share about his sisters, his kids and his ministry, to know that she knew how he was serving the Lord.

   For several minutes, we just sat there stunned and crying.  Dad and I totally understood, if he had been the one to have that dream, he would always wonder if it was just his subconscious or memories, floating to the surface. But, because I had it and was able to share with him the exact answers and comfort he was praying for, he knew, we knew without a doubt, it was all God. From the moment I opened my eyes, I knew somehow that dream was not for me. But, I was also fully aware, that God was using me to minister to someone else and required my obedience without interference, or commentary.

   It was one of the first times in my life I knew that the Lord used me to bless and minister to someone, not that I haven't tried to be a blessing before......but this was totally apart from me, or my inclination, this wasn't my desire, my words, my idea. It was totally the Lord, using me. And it was so exciting and humbling all at the same time. It made me want to be able to be used by Him again, and again.  It made me want to cast off everything that would disqualify me from getting to experience this again.

   From that point on, I really began listening hard for the Lord, practicing being tuned to His Spirit, practicing being obedient with the things He trusted me with. But, it would be many months, before I would have my chance again.

More to come.
Shalom y'all,
Sara

Comments

Wow, friends! I've already had so many encouraging and amazing emails, confirming that I was supposed to share this. Which is good, because from 4-7 this morning I thought and prayed about whether or not to leave it up. Why does it feel like such a huge risk for me to share this part of the story? Because, sometimes God reveals things about Himself that change everything, change what you thought you knew or understood, change your methods, change your ability to return to your life as it was before. And, that is exactly what God did to me and I wouldn't trade the revelation about who He is, for going back to the safe box I came from, for a minute. Please know I am trying to present this as cautiously and prayerfully as possible, in hopes that this brings you closer to Him and not further from me. Blessings from the cleft.

-To leave a comment, click on comments in blue, at the bottom and it will open them up. I don't make all of them public right away, some are intended to be private. But, I would love your feedback. Feel free to message me on FB or email at sbhuggy@yahoo.com

The Poets Prophet

I always think I am going to share a quick story, but I almost never do. It amazes me all over again when I think back on how the Lord was working and moving in our midst last year. It's never really until there is some time and distance between you and your season that you can really appreciate the fullness of God's provision, of how thoughtful he was in meeting your needs. I am so glad that I journaled through this year so I can retrace some of it again.

I spent most of last year praying for relief, some kind of intervention. And, eventually I did get that, but long before that was realized, I was given so much more. The Lord gave me amazing relationships, timely and wise counsel, experiences that tested and grew me, discernment- so that I could really active participate in what He was doing, and not miss out. Priceless, absolutely priceless. We walked this road with people that will forever be in our lives, some new friends, some old friends, everyone with a purpose. And, each of them deserve their own separate tribute and given the time, I'd be honored to write each one. But for now, I share these- the prophet and the poet.

Aw, man. I can't believe I just used the word prophet and used it referring to a person still living. That makes me nervous.

    I actually had to take a few deep breaths and pull myself together a bit just now. Is this really a conversation I am willing to have? To so many of you, you lived this with us and walked through this with us.....I don't have to convince you of anything, you were there. But some of you weren't, and not only is it possible that you won't believe this, it's possible it will offend you. Not offended, like "I've said something inappropriate or crude"........offended like " I just brought up a taboo subject at the dinner table and no one knows what to do with it."  And truly, that is not my intention, please forgive me. Good grief, Sara! I'm making myself uncomfortable!

   What's the thing no one talks about? Or at least not in my Baptist history..............I won't even say "Baptists" because many of you may already know all of this, but I will say "I."

   I didn't know, what I didn't know, about the Holy Spirit. I didn't understand, really understand, spiritual gifts or spiritual warfare. Which is ironic, for a couple reasons- One, giving spiritual gifts surveys is kinda the thing to do, I've taken several, but unless yours is teaching, serving, giving, mercy........the ones whose name's explain what you're supposed to do with it..........you may be hard pressed for any direction. The other irony- I have a degree in Religion, I'm in ministry! I'm sort of one of the ones who shouldn't be clueless! But, how clueless I was! If the Lord showed me anything last year, it's that there are things we are not teaching/don't know about prayer, about the Holy Spirit, about the reality of darkness and spiritual attack, about walking in authority and victory, about discernment..........But, God is good and part of His provision for me this last year was bringing people into my life, who had an abundance of all that I lacked. And, let me be the first to tell you, I am still coming to terms with all of this, I still don't have the answers, but I do know that I want to know.

Moving on.......

   One of the most miraculous and important friendships I will ever have, began quite unexpectedly....in fact so unexpectedly, that at first I questioned the intention. Never before, had God spoken to me through another person the way He spoke to me through Autumn.  I don't know that in my lifetime, I will ever have that same experience again. Truth be known, and I happen to know it, it caught her more than a little off guard too. You see, it wasn't any effort on our parts that brought all this about, in fact it was totally in spite of it. It was like God continued to fling us at each other, until we realized, maybe we should be walking this out together. And to think, it began with an innocent email.

   The funny thing about the Wilderness, you may not be the only one in it, but there's not a whole lot of chatting going on there. God may use the same Wilderness to teach very different things. Everyone is there for different reasons, different lessons, following after the Lord down different paths......You see each other around and you may wave or hug, try to encourage as much as you can.......but then you continue on, in solitude. And, that's as it should be. But, sometimes the Lord ordains you walk with someone by your side for a while, welcomed company. I don't honestly know that Autumn even knew I was in the Wilderness, but nonetheless, she was sending me mail there.

   One day in March, I got the nicest email. Just a genuinely appreciative, thoughtful email just thanking Andy and I for our ministry. Remember we talked about how you can bless people with your words? This is one of the best examples of that.  Should have been the end of it, except that I in my state assumed.......she must know something, she's heard something! I responded, thanking her for truly one of the most encouraging things I'd heard in a while, but I also asked what prompted her kindness. See, Autumn and I were friendly, but only saw each other in passing. We didn't talk on the phone, or FB, we weren't having lunches or getting our families together.............which is why it seemed so unexpected. Her answer was so simple- the Lord brought you to mind, had a conversation about how much she appreciated what we were trying to do through worship, decided to share it. No gossip, no scandal, not fishing for information.

   As it turned out, that would not be the last time He would bring me to her mind. A couple of times in March and April, I would get a note from Autumn, always a timely word, always exactly when I needed it. But I still wasn't at a place where I felt like I could share what were going through, so all I could offer was a "thank you."And I was truly thankful. Autumn couldn't have known it, but her words of encouragement or prayers, were reaching me in my worst times, literally within minutes or hours of cries to God for help or understanding, Ding! You've got mail!

   It wasn't until early May, that I actually understood God was bringing her into my life on purpose. But, once I understood it, I paid careful attention. Last year, there were 2 events that truly almost devastated me beyond recovery. Twice, that I thought I couldn't possibly survive another moment. There is a lot you can endure for yourself, but seeing the people you love and care about hurt is just agony.  In May, one of my dearest friends was treated so cruelly and callously and I was helpless to do anything to stop it or make it better. Seeing her pain, her great pain, was one of the most difficult things to bear in the Wilderness. Satan really attacked me here,  I was so angry, I was questioning God, ministry, whether or not He knew what He was doing and whether I cared to find out. I had several hours of inconsolable, weeping, darkness and oppression. I was  left so tired and weak, that when I finally got it together, I just sat in my car, in the driveway, not sure where to go or what to do. I began confessing all this to the Lord, and begging for Him to speak clearly to me. I knew this was one of those pivotal moments where people in ministry decide to stay in ministry or decide it's not worth it. Leaving ministry or walking away from what I know to be true about the nature of Christ was never an option. But, certainly there are wounds that are so deep they chip away at your ability to be used in the kingdom, unless you confess, repent and let Christ heal them. For months, I had tried to be diligent to search out a word from the Lord for everyday, but part of my confession that day was that I was just too tired, I didn't trust myself to hear His voice anymore.  As I sat in my car, I was holding my phone trying to think of who I could call or ask to pray for me.........sure enough, an email from Autumn came through right then. Not only did her words offer encouragement for how to see what was happening and get through it, but gave me such wise counsel about what to do about it and that was.......nothing. Be submissive to authority and trust that God would take care of my friend. Strangely, the exact opposite of what I would have chosen.

   I was so overwhelmed at how God had answered my prayers, I was filled with peace, hope and renewed resolve. Embarrassingly, I was also filled with the desire to drive myself to Autumn's house......unannounced........during dinner.......looking recently hysterical......... to thank her and give her confirmation that the Holy Spirit was using her to minister to me.

   *I think it's important to understand that people extend themselves by offering, counsel, a word, encouragement- that's a vulnerable place to be, hoping you understood the Holy Spirit right and that you are not about to seem ridiculous to someone. I always try to offer confirmation when I am on the receiving end of someones obedience, it edifies everyone. It gives them boldness and confidence to trust that it was in fact Spirit-led, encourages them to trust Him again, it gives us an opportunity to praise and thank God for His wisdom and helps me to know that the Lord heard my cries.

   I was met at the door by a very puzzled Autumn and her even more puzzled husband. They graciously allowed me to come in while they cleared the table and got a little one tucked in. I wasn't sure what to say but I wanted Autumn to know that she was part of a miracle, that God used her reluctant voice, and desire for obedience like a laser, sending a ray of His light into my dark world. I wanted to know what it was like to hear God so clearly, to fully realize that He was imparting a word to you, for someone else. It blew my mind. I didn't understand how she was not as freaked out about this as I was. Autumn had knowledge and understanding, that I did not have. Autumn had a heritage through her parents and family that gave a totally different level understanding.

  There's more to that story, but another day perhaps.

   Why would I refer to Autumn as "prophet" (for the sake of a title)  or better said, has the gift of prophecy as one of her spiritual gifts? Prophet is not someone wondering in a robe shouting nonsense at passerby's. Nor is it someone who is reading palms or giving psychic readings. It simply means someone who is discerning, who perceives the heart of God and speaks it, to edify the body. Now, here is where the taboo subject comes in. This is a lengthy theological discussion that I am neither qualified nor desirous of having. All I know is what God did in my life, and again, I'm still trying to understand that for myself.

  Autumn and I continued on this way for months. She didn't want to know anything, I didn't want to have to tell her anything. But, time after time, even with days or weeks in between, we would exchange a text or email, and find we were studying the same thing, had the same Rhema word for that day. It was bizarre, fascinating and comical all at the same time. I remember, being so excited to call her about something the Lord had really showed me that day out of Daniel, and she was so excited to tell me what she had been praying about, from the same verses. It became so predictable, how God would use her, that on really difficult days or if something had happened, I fully expected to hear from her and I almost always did. Her spirit would be troubled for me, even if she didn't know or understand why. I knew that she and her family were praying for us all the time, and not just us, but everyone. She was always very measured and careful about what she said to me, she always brought it back to Scripture, she was always humbly checking herself and her own flesh. This is how iron sharpens iron. Not by taking up your offenses, or retaliating, not by giving you permission to speak or act recklessly. She became a steady compass, that I could trust to point me back to Jesus.

   It was this relationship that prompted me to call Autumn in July, from Dallas after our car wreck, asking if she could point me to wise counsel. And she did, she pointed me to Terese........the poet.